Choose to love him more. 

My forever constant

I walk myself through a storm that doesn’t exist anywhere else but in my mind. I tell myself that love isnt enough and a million reasons why this isn’t it. But each time the storm calms down and youre pulling me back down to the ground, i know that you are forever my constant. You never take a break from loving me even when I’m always walking away from myself.

Hard to remember

It’s hard for me to remember.
I know you mean well,
But I just can’t remember.

The right one

Even as I sit across from him looking ugly as I do,
My eyes are swollen, my hair is flat
I’m rambling on about self entitlement and “if you don’t do it, someone else will.”

He still finds it in his warm heart to look at me lovingly,
He always looks at me so lovingly.
And I hide my face scared that he is memorizing me.

I test his patience and love with hurtful words
That only reflect how hurt I really am from the other boys.
And I love that he knows it all but never pities me.
He takes it upon himself to make it all up to me.

I sigh in relief, disguised as a sigh of frustration
And I watch his handsome face overwhelmed with worry that he has lost me.
Guilty as I am to watch him struggle,
I feel afraid that I could lose genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I wish I can have him forever because I’ve never cried tears of joy before him,
And I never cried tears of sorrow after him.

He is the love that makes so much sense to me
And I now know that love does not have to be blinding for it to feel right.

Learn to let go

If there’s anything I’ve learned from my twenty-something years of living, it’s that you need to learn to let go.

You need to let go of the bad boyfriends and friendships. You need to let go of ways others have disappointed or hurt you. You need to let go of beautiful people that you love that God decided to take from the world. You need to let go of the self destructive thoughts in your head that’s always telling you to give up.

It’s because these things will happen with or without you worrying about them. Bad things happen in life…because that’s part of life! Call it chance, call it fate or call it God’s plan. But one thing for sure is that everybody has their own share of trials and tribulation. And most of the time, you aren’t the only one in the world with the same problem.

For many years I was consumed by the negativity in life, to the point that I identified the negativity as part of who I was. I fooled myself saying that it’s okay I’m a little sad all the time, or that I cry every other day, or that I am that emotional drunk going on and on about my scars in life (everyone hates this person, I know I’m sorry!!). I told myself that it’s okay because I was the one who had to go through the trauma so I’m entitled to take all the time I want and own the experience. There was nobody else around me who had to go through what I did so it’s okay if I’m a little emotionally damaged.

Well, here’s the problem everyone. Life goes on, with or without you. Soon you will realize that it’s been two years since the event that broke you, and you still can’t get over it. And when you think about why you are so unhappy, your mind immediately points blame to that event. “Why did this happen to me? If it weren’t for that, I would not be who I am today. I never used to be like this…” That’s when you know that you have entered the cycle of self-victimization.

How long are you going to let it consume you? The greatest happiness in life are in the little moments that you could only see if you’re looking for them.

If you’ve been through a lot, you sure as hell deserve all the happiness life can offer you. So choose to give yourself that and choose to let go.

J

The Little Prince

Have you read The Little Prince?
It’s my all time favourite book and it’s a fairly easy read. What I like most about The Little Prince is that it’s very subjective in what you can take away from it. I always go digging for this book whenever I feel lost and hopeless because each time I read it, I feel like I found the answer I was looking for.

Anyways, here are a couple of my favourite quotes:

It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.

I think I will leave everything open for your own interpretation but I will tell you, if anybody has ever loved someone who was so absent and empty that all you wanted to do was give everything that you had just to make them whole, you’ll know exactly what I took away.

J

As per my 18 year old self…

I found some notes I had written back when I was 18 and thought I would share one for today because it still resonates with me.

July 15, 2011- You really need to take time everyday to evaluate your life. You need to count all your blessings, pray for those who need your love and re-dream about your future. That’s the only way you stay motivated and humble day by day. This way, you won’t be haunted by petitions to write, entire courses to cram, shallow jobs and left behind by everyone who have already figured this out.

Reading back on these immediately takes me back to the exact emotions I had felt and every detail of the circumstances that evoked these feelings. I even remember where I was when I wrote them and most importantly, how much better I felt after I put into words the jumbled up feelings I had inside. And to this day, whenever I want to capture a moment to remember, I prefer writing about it than to take a picture.

J

Words to remember

J